Inquisition: If Jesus Appeared Before the Senate.

Captain Push has watched several Senate Confirmation hearings. To put it succinctly, these are forums which are nothing more than an embarrassment to our nation. I wondered how the Senators would treat Jesus Christ if he appeared before them in an effort to secure a cabinet or judiciary appointment. I think it would go something like this:

Senator: Mr. Jesus. Thank you for appearing before this committee.

Jesus: Thank you for your consideration.

Senator: Mr. Jesus. Who exactly were the three wise men and what did they offer you for their blessings?

Jesus: Senator, I was only an infant and don't recall exactly what they said or what they offered.

Senator: Is it true you accepted gifts of gold, frankincense, and myrrh?

Jesus: Senator, I've queried my father and mother and they've assured me the gifts were proffered with no "quid pro quo" involved.

Senator: Mr. Jesus. Is it true you disappeared into the desert for three years? Where were you and who did you associate with during those years?

Jesus: I studied with the Essenes.

Senator: Aren't the Essenes a "special interest group" which advocates communes and a celibate lifestyle?

Jesus: Yes, they were a Jewish group and I was a member.

Senator: So you are a member of a group that hates Palestinians and wages war on them?

Jesus: I am, and have always been, an advocate for Peace.

Senator. You claim to be able to walk on water. Is that true or a magician's trick?

Jesus: Well, it might be a trick as President Obama has mastered this. I came by it naturally.

Senator. So you admit to trickery?

Jesus. No, I am naturally buoyant.

Senator. You also claim to feed the masses with five loaves of bread and two fish. This sounds like a hoax to me.

Jesus. Senator, President Obama has promised riches to all. He needs me as an advisor as I've had experience in the field of producing something from nothing.

Senator: Mr. Jesus, we are concerned with your relationship with a woman called, Mary Magdaline? Do you still contend that you and she never had a sexual relationship?

Jesus. I did NOT have sexual relations with that woman, Mary Magdeline.

Senator: Mr. Jesus, is it true you associated with a man named Paul who violently persecuted other people?

Jesus. Sir, I did, but I understand you have a low tolerance for mere "guilt by association" when it comes to members of your party. I hope that spirit of fairness will apply to all men who come before you, regardless of their political affiliations.

Senator: Mr. Jesus, I have in my hands, an arrest report that states that you were involved in a violent protest in a banking institution some years ago. Can you explain that?

Jesus: During my youth, I was an activist for fair banking. The bankers were cheating poor people out of their savings and refusing to loan money for homes. During one protest, I did upset a table as I pushed myself away from a banker who attacked me. It was self-defense.

Senator: Did you serve time for that offense?

Jesus: No, but later I was falsely accused of a treasonous act by Mr. Judas Iscariot and spent some time in jail until being released. Mr. Iscariot subsequently committed suicide.

Senator: Isn’t it true you were sentenced to death?

Jesus: Yes and I was wrongly executed.

Senator: (Bellowing) YOU WERE EXECUTED? THEN EXPLAIN HOW YOU HAVE COME BEFORE THIS PANEL?

Jesus: In the interest of Justice, I arose from the dead. It has become my mission to save Christians from their sins and to anoint the new Messiah and guide him for the next four years.

Senator: Are you acquainted with Reverend Pat Robertson?

Jesus: Yes, I was once an advisor to him.

Senator: Mr. Robertson claims you advised him to run for President. Is that true?

Jesus: Yes, and I regret that. I also regret that he has referenced me on several occasions on matters about which I did not advise him.

Senator: You seem to have a long history of associations with people who can best be described as shady. I for one, will not vote to confirm you.

Jesus: Regardless Senator, I forgive you.

Senator: I call for adjournment.